being home is good for the mind

-i wish i could send my brain emails/reminders

-i like helping people because it makes me feel needed and wanted. like i have a purpose or something.

-though crazy, i find sylvia plath to have been brilliant. her works she left behind are worthwhile.

-teddy has my back. i hate that phrase, "hey man i got your back." but he does have mine, it's true. he looks out for me. so however you want to put it, he watches out for me and protects me from stupid idiots (his words, not mine).

-i get most angry when, (for no reason) giant trucks drive right behind me and turn their brights on for extended periods of time. sometimes swear words happen while i'm alone in my car

-i am almost a college graduate.

-i absolutely love hugh grant

-its good to keep reminding myself the good things i need to do to have a good life and be a good person.

-when i freak out about feeling like i don't have a purpose, or that i don't belong anywhere, i find listening to another certain conor song brings me a little bit of comfort. it's called "i must belong somewhere" (cassadaga.)

Leave the bright blue door on the white-washed wall Leave the death ledger under city hall Leave the joyful air in that rubber ball today Just leave the lilac print on the linen sheet Leave the birds you killed at your father's feet Let the sideways rain in the crooked street remain Leave the whimpering dog in his cold kennel Leave the dead starlet on her pedestal Leave the acid kids in their green fishbowls today Leave the sad guitar in its hard-shell case Leave the worried look on your lover's face Let the orange embers in the fireplace remain Cause everything it must belong somewhere Oh a train off in the distance, bicycle chained to the stairs Everything it must belong somewhere I know that now, that's why I'm staying here Leave the ocean's roar in the turquoise shell Leave the widower in his private hell Leave the liberty in that broken bell today Just leave the epic poem on its yellowed page Leave the gray macaw in his covered cage Let the traveling band on the interstate remain Cause everything it must belong somewhere Sound-stage in California, televisions in Times Square, yeah Everything it must belong somewhere I know that now, that's why I'm staying here Well I know that now that's why I'm staying here Leave the secret talks on the trundle bed Leave the garden tools in the rusted shed Leave those bad ideas in your troubled head today Just leave the restless ghost in his old hotel Leave the homeless man out in that cardboard cell Let the painted horse on the carousel remain Cause everything it must belong somewhere Just like the gold around her finger or the silver in his hair Yeah, everything it must belong somewhere I know that now, that's why I'm staying here Oh, I know that now, that's why I'm staying here In truth, the forest hears each sound Each blade of grass as it lies down The world requires no audience no witnesses, no witnesses Leave the old town drunk on his wooden stool Leave the autumn leaves in their swimming pool Leave the poor black child in his crumbling school today Leave the novelist in his daydream tomb Leave the scientist in her rubic's cube Let the true genius in the padded room remain Leave the horse's hair on the slanted bow Leave the slot machines on the riverboat Leave the cauliflower in the casserole today Just leave the hot, bright trash in the shopping malls Leave the hawks of war in their capitals Let the organ's moan in the cathedral remain Cause everything it must belong somewhere They locked the devil in the basement, threw God up into the air. Yeah, everything must belong somewhere You know it's true, I wish you'd leave me here You know it's true, why don't you leave me here?

they say marriage won't solve my problems. then what will?

provo has a mind of its own.

there are times where i feel completely wonderful and happy and satisfied. and then there are times where i think the only thing holding me together is ... a mystery i guess. but still, life is good. and i keep going, never forgetting the things or people i do have. luckily.

i've never really believed that marriage solves any problems. but other people do, and it makes me question my own position on the matter. life keeps getting more and more complicated, and i wish marriage could solve my problems. i wish there were a solution- marriage or not- to the things mulling over themselves night after night. they're practically running a race in my brain, tripping over themselves and creating a real mess.

but then, getting married or finding someone to be with becomes a problem all by its little self... how can someone assume that marriage will be some mysteriously problem-free solution to all of life's stresses and pains? but maybe it could be wonderful, if you're with the right person, the person who is good to and for you, and also the person you want. and love. people aim for this, i'm sure, but so often it seems un-achieved.

my friends aubrey and marsh are getting hitched soon. i am genuinely happy for them... from what little i know and see, it seems like they are smart about their relationship, and patient. and loving. and they're friends, too. it's like they love each other or something wild like that. and i know that while nothing in this whole world, no not even an amiable couple as they, can be that thing we call perfect, to me they are. they remind me of that conor song i just love so much:


The last few months I have been living with this couple.
Yeah, you know, the kind who buy everything in doubles.
They fit together, like a puzzle.
And I love their love and I am thankful
that someone actually receives the prize that was promised
by all those fairy tales that drugged us.
And they still do me.
I'm sick, lonely,
no laurel tree,
just green envy.
Will my number come up eventually?
Like Love's some kind of lottery,
where you scratch and see
what's underneath.
It's "Sorry",
just one cherry,
or "Play Again."
Get lucky.

on a happier note:
click right here for my favorite piece of christmas.

A Positive Moviegoing Experience.

I've just returned from Provo's main dollar movie theater, where I just saw the film "Julie & Julia." It was long, and it was a great story. I sat next to a stranger, as I came alone, and somehow felt connected to her, making silly comments back and forth to each other about the cleverness and enjoyable entertainment with which we were spoonfed. No pun actually intended, but it's there now and I can't backspace. But anyway I don't know why I felt so comfortable with a complete stranger, but who cares?

I liked this movie for a number of reasons. For one, it made me feel good. One of the best lines in the whole movie occurs when the main character, Julie, is explaining her relationship to Julia Child. "She saved me! She rescued me from the ocean!" said Julie. And her husband replied, "Okay. Don't get carried away." That is the basis of the movie, and most movies that are good, I'd say. But anyway, another reason I liked the movie was because it was accurate, I suppose, though I have no real way of proving that. In the end, Julie had reason to believe that Julia Child, her idol, her hero, didn't look at her or her blog with any favor or respect. And Julie had the option of being pissed off (and maybe rightfully so) and devastated, or continue seeing her hero in her own mind's eye, and forget all the rest. Which is what she did, and which is why the movie in essence made me feel good.

And now, for the last and most important reason why I liked this movie. Julia, as she and her colleagues are putting together a recipe book, frequently mentions a friend in America, Avis. They wrote letters for eight years before actually meeting one another, and by then it was easy to become acquainted with someone the other knew so well. The movie explains how they met, how Julia sent a fan letter to Avis's husband, regarding his skillful knowledge of kitchen knives or something, and Avis replied, and Julia replied to that reply, etc, etc. So, they met through the means of a man. I have a friend whose named incidentally begins with "A" who I too met through a man (well, boy? manish? I really wouldn't know...) and though we've never met either, we have written countless letters and become what I feel can be called good friends, despite having never met. I treasure my English friend and the letters and chocolates and laughs we share. "A good friend is a thing rare, and hard to find." Literally.

my sister

I just saw pictures taken in Denver from this past Halloween weekend, and my sister is such a babe, in every way. The Emilys in my life have always had a profound influence on the morale of my mind's room, but my sister especially means more to me than most of the incredible (and not less credited) blessings in my life.

Once my friend asked me to describe what would be a perfect day. The first thing that came to my mind is still my answer: in Denver, with my sister and her family, hanging out, walking the dog, eating pizza at a place called Beaujo's, making crafts, playing with her adorable and brilliant children, eating Emily's delicious foods, and dancing to bluegrass songs with Gracey. As long as it's with my sister, anything will do... I never feel more peace than when I am with her and her family. Now do you see why I want them to come to Utah so hard? Wouldn't you?

I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have my sister. Because...
1. She is the only person who knows me completely, and even if she doesn't know everything about my life since she lives a state away, she still knows me well enough to know how I feel, and she respects how I feel, so her advice sounds good to me, and I usually take it.

2. She is absolutely beautiful. Inside, outside, whatever. She is always trying to eat healthy and stay active with her kids. She has a perfectly symmetrical face (which I lack, my eyebrows are two different shapes, all Picasso style and whatnot.) She also has the most beautiful coif I ever did see.

3. She knows.

4. She plays Scrabble with me.

5. She listens to happy calm music like Michael Buble and Josh Groban. I don't listen to them unless I'm with her, so I associate those artists with her, and I like them because of that reason alone.


6. She is an amazing mother. She plays with her kids and listens to them and talks and explains things to them and plays with them. I am in, and have been in several marriage and family courses within the social work program at the U. When I go to visit Emily, I see her interacting with her children in a way conducive to the methods deemed appropriate and necessary by therapist after child specialist after psychologist after social worker. I am ultra defensive of children and I'm passionate about them getting the respect to which they are entitled and deserve... I see my sister and brother in law doing this every day with their kids, and it brings me so much relief knowing that my adorable niece and nephew are well taken care of.


7. Emily laughs with me and makes me laugh.

8. Emily makes me want to be a better person. I want to make her proud of meeee!

9. She listens to me rant about x and y. And when I apologize for being a crazy person, she never makes me feel like I am crazy, but validates my feelings and makes me feel heard. She, like every person in the world, doesn't always know what to say or how to help me solve a problem, but even just her listening helps me solve a problem, ha. It's true what old Holden says: "If someone at least listens, it's not so bad."

10. She is a spiritual and religious woman. She lives the gospel of Christ and it shows- it shows in her countenance, her happy family, her cuisine (yes, it's that good.)

I guess you could say she's my hero. I love her.

halloweeeeeeeen

nerd love. cute right?

little red annie riding hood! i lub her

sisterly love. oh those worsleys. those beautiful worsleys.

i was a (glamorous?) hippie. i was just really excited about wearing fake eyelashes and a comfy dress.

colorado

scrabble nights.

sometimes kathleen and i stay in and play scrabble, put on some baggy sweats, pretend to enjoy a nice glass of chardonnay, watch desperate housewives, and act like our husbands are off hunting or something ridiculous and our kids are at a sleepover. maybe we'll put on some rod stewart or michael buble to complete the stage for a middle aged mother's retreat. it's fun to play house. plus kath can have a boston accent when she so chooses, so it makes it even more fun.

thursday is my favorite day of the week.

this day has already proven worthy of being awake.

i heard my alarm at 5.30 this morning, hit the snooze (standard) and slept for another 10 minutes. i gave in easier than normal, as i recounted the lousy night's rest i had just pushed my way through. my bed didn't deserve me at that point. so i slid my body out to the side, where i fell into a kneeling position against the bed and said my morning prayers. i went into the kitchen, ate some (delicious) gluten free waffles with my sugar free syrup, and got ready for the day. on my way out the door, i snagged some loose change i spotted on my dresser and stuck it in my pocket.

on the bus ride to salt lake, i listened to the melodic melancholies of my dear sweet conor. i thought about how i came to know of him, per emily, and how i came to love him, also mainly per emily. he's tapped into my subconscious and left a beautiful mark.

i de-bussed a bit earlier than normal, around the temple square area, and decided to go explore a bit. i meandered around temple square, and walked into the joseph smith memorial building to remember the good times i've had there. and as i walked around the inside, i looked around and walked up and down a few flights of stairs, took an elevator ride. i loved everything about that small visit to a familiar place. i love the way things smell there, i love the way things look and feel, i love the quietness of the elevator and how it is made out of wood paneling and not steel or mirrorish material. i love the way people smile at me when they can tell i'm a bit lost, and they actually ask if they can help. i love the way people aren't annoyed by the purposelessness of my presence. where other places people are too busy and too stressed to be bothered and every word and action is pragmatic and vain. as i walked out of the building i turned my ipod back on to a favorite song of mine, where conor talks about this couple he's been living with... and how refreshing it is to see people who are good to each other.. "I love their love and I am thankful that someone actually receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us."

so on i walked, through the city which in comparison to provo is big and busy and somewhat ersatz. i came upon a cafe with a sign saying "come in we're open." so i went in. it was a new place called vasuvio's organic gourmet cafe. i loved the way it was set up and i made my way over to the empty ordering area. the owner approached me and as i looked at the attractive menu i asked how much a tall cup of hot chocolate would be. "free," he said. taken back i objected a little, and then allowed the nice man to make me a delicious steamy cup of organic ho.cho. it really was so kind of him- he didn't benefit from taking the time to talk to me, he didn't benefit from making me a delicious beverage, he didn't really do anything but put a smile on my face and declare the sort of person he was: generous and affable. with additional coupons in one hand and my illy cup in the other, i walked back out into the cold, smiling, thankful. by the way i highly recommend this place, obviously, so if you're ever in the city, check out this place at 155 south main street. delish desserts make this italian eatery a must! ravioli? holy canoli!

i made my way to gallivan station to wait for the university train as i continued to perv over my free and enviable cup of chocolate. i wasn't tired anymore, and my tummy was as warm as my hands were. i felt so posh for a minute, sort of out of my own element and on a field trip in someone else's.. someone far cooler than i. but i had to laugh as i thought about this, cos my hair was crap, i was wearing the outfit i wore yesterday, i had ugg boots on with a big bulky jacket, headphones in, backpack on, and i felt like i fit in. SO posh.. i thought in so many ways i had tried everything to fit in- dress a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things. i realize now that the less you try the more you fit. jokes on me. again. that "fitting in" feeling was a new one for me.. i didn't care for it, really. in-n-outty. as in, overrated. it's just that i've become accustomed to doing without that emotion and making peace with how i perceive myself and how i perceive others .. perceiving me. anyway just some thoughts to go along with the delicious treat and crappy appearance that evidently has given me great pride- sufficient enough to blog about it.

i'm studying for the gre.. and my favorite part is studying the vocab portion and feeling superior in my already vast knowledge of big words and fancy syntax privileges. that's right.

fall book list. etc

1. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
2. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
3. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
4. Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
5. Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons
6. Fighting Ruben Wolfe by Markus Zusak
7. Getting the Girl by Markus Zusak

I'll add more titles later. Or, if you have any suggestions.. hot dog I would love to hear them.

This summer I read 1984, Franny and Zooey, Bailout Nation, James and the Giant Peach, and Breakfast at Tiffany's. I have some more ..

Point of interest:
I was in this online class called Middle Eastern Geography. More like Middle Eastern Crapography. For an online class, the reading was (although very interesting) completely consuming and I felt priorities in my other classes slipping. Also I had no time to read what I want to read. So I dropped the class yesterday and I already notice a decrease in my stress level.. especially since I am replacing a consuming and ridiculous class with leisure reading, something that (paired with Swiss Miss pudding or hot chocolate or slipper socks or all three) keeps me happy and motivated to do my chores and academic obligations with a smile on my face.

Another P.o.I:
Yesterday I spent the day mostly not feeling well. But fate would not let that day go to waste! I created a slew of post items, mailed them to my favorites.. then my roommate Kathweenie brought a package into my room that had come all the way from England.. oh Alice. You truly made me so happy! A beautiful package with pink pajama pants and snuggly slipper socks. And chocolate goodies! And thoughtfulness that meant more to me than my dear friend will ever know. So funny how people come in and out of our lives.. To be as close to someone who I have never met is truly a testament of her ability to love and befriend unconditionally, truly. Such a characteristic is rare and beautiful.

-Side note: I love whenever I get mail or a package Kathleen stays close by and helps me open it and we both are vicariously transported back to my 2nd grade birthday party, where I open something with a million curious onlookers. I love to share in the excitement. I started buying most of my groceries on Amazon.. a Celiac's dream.. but I love when they are shipped to me.. to Kath and I it feels just like Christmas! oh paulette..

Other good points of a potentially miserable day:
Emily told me that she and Dave (AND Grace!) are coming to Provo in a couple weeks to investigate potential graduate school options. I get to watch the Sprinkle!

Daniel is coming to Denver with me on Sunday.. I told him I was excited to smell him. He said, "You want to smell my bean?" If you're my sibling or parent, you know where this came from..

I felt well enough to go run. I went to the BYU indoor track, standard, and ended up running 40 minutes solid. I felt incredible.

Ate dinner with Zoe at Legends Grill..

illustrator project

allyson lynn.

i love you and i loved living with you. i am sorry about the whole beingapsycho thing while we lived together. let us have more middle aged luncheons and i will prove to you my undying affection. x.

seriously if i didnt have you in my life i would probably feel like an orphan. or a lone wolf

or an orphan wolf

howling to the tune of "all by myself"

by myself

""

gluten free cuppycakes: a success!

Healthy Hostess Cupcakes

(Erin McKenna, babycakes, new york city.) Ingredients:

• 1 cup brown rice flour
• 1 cup garbanzo-fava bean flour
• 1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/2 cup potato starch
• 1/4 cup arrowroot
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 3/4 teaspoon xanthan gum
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1 cup coconut oil
• 1 1/2 cups agave nectar
• 1 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup hot water
• (vanilla or chocolate frosting)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line cupcake tins with liners.
2. In large bowl, whisk together: flours, cocoa powder, potato starch, arrowroot, baking powder, baking soda, xanthan gum, salt.
   
3. Then add the coconut oil, agave nectar, applesauce, and vanilla. Stir into a thick batter.
   
4. Pour in hot water and continue mixing until the batter is nice n smooth.
5. Pour 1/3 cup batter into each cupcake liner, almost filling it.
   
6. Bake the cupcakes for 24 minutes total, but after 14 minutes, rotate the pan 180 degrees and let bake for another 10 minutes.

Vegan Chocolate Frosting Recipe (not Erin McKenna)

Ingredients

1 cup sugar
6 tablespoons corn starch
4 tablespoons cocoa
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons canola oil
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions

Mix sugar, cornstarch, salt, and cocoa in a medium sauce pan.
Whisk in the water.
Heat over medium until it gets thick and starts to boil.
Boil for 1-2 minutes. (Make sure you don’t boil too long, or it will set like taffy.)
Remove from heat and stir in oil and vanilla.
Cool and spread on cooled cake.
Enjoy!

I was so happy to find that this recipe delivered. It took me a while to find the right frosting for these little cakes, but when I did, twas most exciting. I felt like I was conducting science experiments in the kitchen. So much fun. And also so delicious. Eat your heart out Sarah Lee.

aubreeze

i stopped updating this blog mainly because some lost boys (whom i do love) kept making fun of me for my obsessive bloggity blogg boring ways. but recently my (girl)friend told me i should update my blog more often, regardless of mockery... and since i give in pretty easily to peer pressure, here i am.

alice, your new home is lovely, and i wish i could come visit you right this now. as soon as i finish rambling here i am sending you a long overdue email. xo.

i have decided what i want to do with my life.. i am getting ready to take the GRE and also apply for some graduate programs. i want to be in BYU's educational psychology program (EdS). i want to be an ELP teacher at an elementary school.

moment of nostalgia:
years ago, during my days at barbara bush elementary my ELP teacher was named dr. college. i miss her actually; though i know many of my peers did not like her as much as i did. for some reason i always felt like the stupid kid in that class... i picked up german quicker than most of the other kids, so that made me feel good. but when it came to math olympiad, basically i was the stupid kid in the class. luckily i always had casey to help me sort things out. she was my favorite friend.

so it is fall here at byu. or u of u or whatever damn world i live in. which also means mating season for the ysa's. i swear, provo is the mecca of mormon dating. people are dropping like flies, and for most of whom i could not be more excited. like aubrey and marshall. technically they aren't in provo since they both live in arizona. but i like them. cos they are together because they want to be together and they have this grand idea about sharing eternity in happiness. who knew people still actually did that sort of thing... as in, date and not just get married on an inexplicable whim. it sort of boosts my faith in humanity a bit. maybe if there were a boost at jamba juice and it was called "faith in humanity" i might get that every time i ordered a carribbean passion or whatever the hell it's called.

another update:
i like my new place. alright, maybe i love it. a lot. i have never been this connected to my roommates before, since i basically always had emily anne, and never cared about the other tenants. but katy, kathleen and mckenzie are pretty much incredible girls, who i laugh with, who make me happy, who will speak in english and new zealand accents with me for hours, daily. they are s'lovely... we have fun together. also i love my ward. i just got a new calling.. but i can't really talk about that right now.

surrealism project for FA 2020-02

currently reading:

babes

Me, with baby Jared. Kelsey and Ken are amazing parents!